Remembrances

It's been ages since I've written anything.  Not for lack of ideas, but rather lacking impetus to explore some of the thoughts and feelings which have been condensing lately on the window pane of my mind.  I think I've been trying too hard to keep things upbeat or funny with each new blog entry, but life isn't like that.  

My first Christmas abroad has now passed, and along with it my reluctance to open up about the experience lest it somehow lessen the glow of A and I's first Christmas together as man and wife.  In fact, Christmas brought with it a multitude of moods and juxtapositions which were difficult to catalogue. 

In fairness, I was ill, which didn't exactly motivate me to express myself beyond the tissue box and my best attempt at merriment in spite of it.  There were definitely many reasons to smile ... it wasn't an exercise in complete melancholy.  It was a time of starting new traditions, and relishing the fact that A and I can now spend all our Christmases together with an ocean no longer between us.  

However, the lead up to the Christmas season did bring with it an unexpected ache.  There is something about completely changing the landscape of one's life that dredges up memories and feelings once buried.  I know I can't be alone in this.  While I expected to have moments of intensely missing my family and friends and certain shared traditions (and I did at that); what confused me was the depth of the nostalgia that crept in and caught my heart so firmly.  A wistful yearning for winters long past, grandparents and other departed loved ones, and exquisitely sweet memories which we can never re-live, other than in the soft-focus of our remembrances.  These things I do more than carry with me as I move forward ... they are intricately and inextricably woven into my very being.  Upon discussing this with a friend who also lives abroad, I came to understand that these sentiments demand acknowledgment.  She said something to me that resonated:

"It's not clinging to the past.  Rather honoring it."

That is what I intend to do.  As I move forward into this incredible life, I will dance with the memories, and carve out new ones.  I will smile at what was, and embrace what is.  It is how life should be... how it is.  

Perhaps that is the best gift of the season.  We are shaped by our experiences.  Those I love have given me the tools to make the most ... of today.