Today I was keenly aware of the bridge on which I am standing.
It hit me today at work when I took a small lunch respite from the crazy headless-chicken stress of my current occupation. I had been all morning immersed in the usual break-neck pace and endless multitasking that makes up my little cubicle world. I was chatting with a colleague and we were rehashing the rather unpleasant events of the week as we have done for years - when I remembered that all this will cease to matter in a matter of months. This was hardly a revelation, as A and I have been planning and discussing the next phase of our lives together for quite some time. What struck me in this moment was the way in which I am increasingly finding myself straddling two lives… the one I’d built for myself for better or worse with all its stressors, familiar routines, and ordinariness… and the one I am excitedly crafting in my mind, as I anticipate what the new reality will be.
It’s difficult to put into words, this feeling I had today. It occurred to me that there is some dissonance between my two realities. There is an incongruence between my long-familiar but demanding career, friend and familial social life and responsibilities; and the large undertakings and forward momentum of the plans A and I are making which are evidenced by the wedding we are actively planning, the flights we are booking, and the calendars and to-do lists we are keeping.
It became obvious today as I flit almost imperceptibly back and forth between my native present and my life to be, that the divide between the two is only going to increase as I mark each passing month and I wind down my career and life here as I know it. I will outwardly be going on about business as usual while I make other plans… and will be keenly aware of the bridge I am crossing.
There are only two things of which I am certain with respect to my next venture: 1) It will be unrecognizable. 2) This is a good thing...
It's good that you're getting closure on your terms - that will make easing into life abroad so much easier. But the straddling of lives will continue long after the boxes are unpacked and you've found your favorite brand of washing powder. As long as you have roots, you'll always have one foot there and one foot wherever you are. It's bittersweet sometimes (on the 4th of July, on Halloween, at Christmas) but makes the time you spend with people more intense, more memorable.
ReplyDeleteIt is a good thing. :)